the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
