saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
