I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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