How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
