My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
