Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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