lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
