Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
