Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
