hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
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