Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
So apparently I’m into choking now
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
