His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
