Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
