I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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