She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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