please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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