Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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