24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
