I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
