i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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