You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
