hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
