I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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