She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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