3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
