i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
