Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
