I just saw a hot homeless man
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Randomize
