I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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