I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
