Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
