then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm too high and old for this...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
