Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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