I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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