you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
