Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
