Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize