I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
