When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
