i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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