dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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