And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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