Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
from now on my penis is your penis
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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