Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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