make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
