I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
