pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
