If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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