Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
