True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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