I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
