it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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