I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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