"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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