I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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