i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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