Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
